Truth Be Told
Media Misrepresentations of BDSM
by: Suzanne Woods
BDSM in Utah
Did the title shock you? Did your inner conservative cringe? The word BDSM can bring up a lot of different reactions. Personally, I’ve seen revulsion, excitement, curiosity, assumptions, understanding, anger and acceptance. All of us, whether we like to admit or not, have some type of misconception about the BDSM community. What most people are not aware of is how these stereotypical beliefs, misconceptions and media misrepresentations have affected the Utah BDSM community.
What assumptions have you already made? Stop for a moment and really think about it.
Some of the assumptions that I have encountered range from sexual perversion to abuse. There are some who assume it is a male dominated world that that leads to violence against women. There are assumptions that even though someone may consent to practices during BDSM, they are still being abused. Some assume that BDSM is all about sex. Others assume BDSM is all about violence. Some believe that only people who have been abused have BDSM fantasies or seek to carry them out.
Studies show that practices in bondage, domination/submission, sadism and masochism are not uncommon, however the shame and stigma associated with BDSM forces the majority of those who practice it to continue to hide in the shadows. The Utah BDSM community is no exception.
Negative misconceptions are one of many reasons that the Utah BDSM community is entirely underground. Some members wish to hide their lifestyle from their friends, family and coworkers while others must hide for fear of losing their job or loved ones. Because anonymity is so important, new members must be vetted and approved before being allowed to join the larger community.
While most people in the community are there to learn and practice safely, there are a few who hide among the rest and take advantage of those who are new, prey upon those who are curious but not educated. By driving the community underground, Utah has also hidden the education and social aspects of the community.
So where does this stigma come from? One of the largest contributors to misconceptions around people who practice BDSM is media. Books, television, movies, music. All paint a picture of freaks, malcontents, insane, wealthy eccentrics and danger.
So, what is the reality? Who really enjoys this type of thing?
BDSM in the Media
There have been many representations of BDSM in mainstream media. The majority of these misrepresent the community and only perpetuate common stereotypes: dominants are controlling men who only abuse women, people who participate in BDSM have been abused or are freaks, submissives are weak individuals who are stuck in their situation. The truth is that BDSM relationships are healthier and enjoyed by a variety of individuals who have never been abused.
One of the more recent portrayals of BDSM in mainstream media comes from the popular book, “Fifty Shades of Grey”. We can't talk about BDSM in the media without stopping to take a closer look at this book.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James was a self-published sensational hit; it sold ten million copies in six weeks. In 2015, it became a best-selling series and created the genre “mommy porn”. The popularity of the book started a national conversation about BDSM; it also created a lot of misconceptions about the BDSM community.
By Grendelkhan [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons
Like most women, I was curious what the commotion was all about when my friends began whispering about it and pushing me to read it. Unbeknownst to most of my friends, I am also a part of the Utah BDSM community, so my curiosity came with certain expectations of how the book portrayed my culture to the masses. From the way it was flying off the shelves, I was sure it would be a good read.
I was wrong.
The book follows Anastasia Steele, a college student who encounters a billionaire, Christian Grey, while conducting an interview on behalf of her sick roommate. She finds this man to be gorgeous, intelligent and very intimidating.
After a few chance encounters and a couple of dates, she is taken back to his home where he has her sign a non-disclosure agreement to protect himself and his company. He then introduces her to his “red room of pain” and reveals that he is a dominant and wishes for her to be his submissive.
The rest of the book follows their physical and emotional affair and uncovers some of Christian’s dark past.
Looking at the quick summary, this book had all the potential to be a page turning wonderfully educational book. It could have opened the minds of millions of people to the BDSM culture and shown how loving, natural and healthy a true BDSM relationship can be; it fell completely short of the mark.
Let’s ignore the characters and plot for a moment to discuss the writing. The first-person voice throughout the book was difficult to get used to. It doesn’t help that the author’s use of short sentences and poor word choice are annoying. For example, at one-point Ana says something sassy and the next sentence is “My subconscious is staring at me in awe. He gasps.” (James 94) Is her subconscious male or did Christian gasp? How does a subconscious stare? How is she even aware of her subconscious? It was enough to make me want to throw the book in the garbage before I even reached something resembling BDSM. Instead, I powered through, determined to read the entire book.
Not only is Ana in tune with her subconscious but she constantly references her “inner goddess” which was very annoying and only took away from the story. The writing itself was full of trite metaphors and romance novel descriptions like “hooded eyes” and “staring intently” at awkward moments. While the author was trying to build up suspense, it only made me stop and laugh before forcing myself to continue.
Looking past the sub-par writing to the plot of the book, I was shocked that most women found this book to be a steamy example of what they wanted in a relationship.
Christian Grey is a controlling, narcissistic, egomaniacal wanna-be dominant. He stalks Anastasia, even going to the lengths of tracking her cell phone to locate her, and demands she become his submissive. He presents her with a contract that sets out his expectations for her and his responsibilities to her. After he gives her the contract, he discovers she is a virgin and his response is to take her virginity right then.
The portrayal of BDSM in this book is reminiscent of everything the BDSM community warns newcomers against. Christian Grey is not part of an established BDSM community. He plays alone with a submissive who is new, not only to the community but to sex as well and has no idea what she is getting herself into. He isolates her from others, making her sign an agreement that she won’t talk to anyone about what they do. He sets her up for the perfect abusive relationship.
Throughout the book, Christian Grey violates the greatest guideline for any BDSM relationship. He doesn’t ask for or respect Anastasia’s consent. He doesn’t negotiate anything with her prior to a scene and he doesn’t provide her with proper aftercare to ensure that she recovers from any physical effects after the scene.
If we look past the bad writing and the annoying plot, we are left with a media misrepresentation of BDSM that has the power to influence millions of women. Those vanilla women who are sitting on their couches, drooling over the dominant Christian Grey are being told that it is okay to have their consent violated, to be stalked, to being abused. Even for those who know better, it leaves them with a twisted version of the BDSM community. It sets the precedence that those who participate in such taboo practices are broken or abusive. That women who allow themselves to be dominated by men are weak, abused creatures. This is far from the truth.
While this book had the potential to show how wonderful, trusting, sensual and therapeutic a BDSM relationship could be, it instead showed how abusive and twisted a predator in the BDSM community can be.
I am left hoping that those who read the book take it for what it truly is: a pure work of fiction.
Books, TV and movies aren't the only misrepresentations we see of BDSM. Music that misrepresents the BDSM community has been around for a very long time. Below we see how BDSM is portrayed in music.
Research has shown that those who practice BDSM are healthy, normal individuals. The only difference between them and the rest of society is their love of BDSM. Because this sexual preference is seen as abnormal, it can cause discrimination, harassment, prejudice and shame. The misconceptions, stereotypes and media misrepresentations have led to a harmful stigma that has forced the Utah community underground and stymied the ability to educate the public on the truth behind these practices.
The next time you see a BDSM practitioner portrayed in the movies, television, books or any other media, take a step back and think about it. Does this really show a three dimensional person with a life and a personality beyond what they enjoy in their spare time or does it simply portray the one dimensional stereotype we've all come to accept? I challenge you to question your own misconceptions, your own assumptions and remember it's people like Liz who make up our BDSM community. What right do we have to judge them?
For those who wish to learn more about BDSM or wish to explore the Utah BDSM community, I would highly suggest looking at the resources below.
BDSM Resources
Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink
The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge
The Warrior Princess Submissive
BDSM Fantasy Fiction
Utah BDSM Community